It’s is so hard to keep going when others doubt you.
As if you hadn’t already overcome loads of self-doubt, right? Or maybe the doubts of others introduced fears and anxieties you hadn’t experienced before. Bottom line, external doubt is an unnecessary ingredient in the pursuit of big dreams, new endeavors, and creative ambitions.
If you aren’t careful, doubt can totally derail you. Stop doubt at the door by determining the source, implementing healthy boundaries, establishing a strong why, and finding supportive community.
Determine the source
The first step in staying the course when others doubt you is determining your source of doubt. There are two sources of doubters. Both sources can really hurt but the good news is one source you can mostly ignore. The other source might warrant more consideration.
Outer Circle Doubt
Let’s talk about the first source doubters: your outer circle. People in your outer circle are casual friends, acquaintances, strangers on the internet, work colleagues, and people you might have known well at some point but aren’t a significant part of your life. That’s not an exhaustive list but you get the point.
People that belong to your outer circle can by and large be disregarded. Their opinions come from the cheap seats. These people haven’t invested anything significant into your life and don’t understand the behind the scenes.
The only time you might want to pause and give attention to doubts from this population is when you receive the same kinds of comments over and over. Pause and take these repeat comments into consideration but don’t allow them to derail you entirely.
Inner Circle Doubt
People in your inner circle are close friends, close family members, and your significant other. These people know intimate details about you. They have front row seats to the significant things that go on in your life.
Doubt from this population should be more carefully considered than doubt from your outer circle. These people love you and want the best for you. They likely doubt because they don’t understand, they worry for you, or they are projecting their own fears onto you.
When people from your inner circle doubt you, take their concerns seriously. Listen to concerns from these people with an open mind. Once you’ve heard their concerns it’s up to you to determine the validity of their comments.
If you find that someone in your inner circle is relentlessly doubting and possibly even unkind it’s time to enact some boundaries.
Implement Healthy Boundaries
Often when creating, starting something new, or pouring our energy into things that require us to be vulnerable we need to minimize the din of doubters. You likely already have at least a little bit of self-doubt going on. Doubt from external sources is the last thing you need.
When we think of boundaries many of us go to the extreme and think we need to cut off people who don’t agree with us. That’s not what I’m advocating for at all. I’m inviting you to put some healthy parameters around what you do and don’t share with the doubters in your life.
Please note: boundaries with your outer circle might be more on the extreme side than boundaries you hold with your inner circle.
How to Implement Boundaries
Step 1. Determine what you are okay with and what you are not. Maybe you are okay with others expressing their doubts. It’s the snide comments that inevitably follow up expressions of doubt that you’re having a hard time with. In this instance, practice some phrases that you can use when your boundary starts getting crossed. This might look like, “Hey friend, I hear your concern and it’s valid. It’s not okay to insult [fill in the blank].
Consider making a list of what you can tolerate from your doubters and what you can’t. Your doubters are allowed to be concerned but be wary when they start to insult, give unsolicited advice, or try to take matters into their own hands.
Step 2. Decide your course of action when boundaries aren’t accepted. Let’s say you use a phrase like the one above. Your doubter then doubles down, gets even more inflamed, and refuses to stop. In instances like this, it’s probably best to remove yourself from the situation. Let your doubter know that you can’t continue to be in their company if they are going to [fill in the blank].
Now follow through, this might look like leaving the party, going to another room or hitting the “block” button on social media. The point here is not to give your doubter the cold shoulder. You’re not abandoning them for the rest of time or giving them the silent treatment. The goal here is to uphold the limits you’ve set on how much of their doubt you’re willing to ingest.
Step 3. Practice, practice, practice! Implementing boundaries takes work. It can be emotionally draining at first but as you and the recipient of your boundary get acquainted with the dance of healthy boundaries I promise it will become easier. Give yourself the grace to be awkward the first few times you set and uphold your boundaries.
It might not be easy but in the end, it’s totally worth it to protect the things that matter to you.
Establish Your Why
Implementing boundaries can keep your doubters at bay. Establishing a strong why can convince them to get on board.
A why is simply the reason or purpose behind the thing you are doing. Your why is the driving force that keeps you going and the thing that adds meaning to your efforts.
How to determine your why
Clarifying your why is a great way to keep yourself going and help others understand the importance of what you’re up to. Here are a few ways you can determine your why:
#1 Consider your reason for starting in the first place.
#2 Reflect on who you hope to impact.
#3 Identify what you have to offer that no one else can.
Reflect on the points above. Condense your reflections into a few short sentences (no more than three) that convey the importance of the work you are doing.
Establishing your why might not totally silence or persuade your doubters but it will give you the confidence to keep going and clear messaging to communicate the importance of your endeavors.
Find Supportive Community
It might not feel like it now, but there are people out there that believe in your why. Finding those people and leaning on them for support is crucial.
As doubt accumulates both internally and externally a solid support system can help you keep going. Your supportive community can hold space for your insecurities, big ideas, disappointments, wins, and everything in between. Most importantly, this safe space will kindly and gently express concerns and provide constructive feedback in a way your doubters can’t.
What makes supportive community so special is that it’s clear from the outset that these people are for you. Unlike your doubters, they aren’t absorbed in selfish worries or concerns. These people care for you, want you to succeed, and are committed to helping you win without supporting delusions.
Where to find supportive community
You can find supportive community in a variety of ways. You might join a support group specifically for your project, niche, or interests. Check out groups on Facebook (AKA Meta?) and surf the web to find other platforms that host groups.
Keep an eye out for local opportunities as well. You might research local life coaches and see if they offer group coaching. Group coaching can be a really great way to get support and safe feedback.
Not finding the kind of group you need? Start one! Starting a group is a great way to create space for the very thing you need. Plus, as the founder of the group, you can set the tone, pace, and frequency of meetings.
Your support group doesn’t have to be comprised of total strangers. Starting a support group might be as simple as reaching out to a few friends. Let them know you are struggling to keep going amidst all the doubt you are facing. Ask if they are struggling with doubt too. Inevitably you’ll get a few yeses and you can move forward setting up the details of how and when you’ll meet to support each other.
How to use a support group
A support group should be used to shelter your fragile dreams, desires, and ambitions from doubters. Use the group to bring ideas, projects, and endeavors that are in their infancy. Your group should foster a soft place for your ideas and endeavors to land.
You’ll get the most of out of a group if you share freely, ask questions, and make specific requests. Need validation that your idea isn’t totally crazy? Ask for validation. Need someone to test out your idea or give you constructive feedback? Ask for it! Craving encouragement? Ask for encouragement.
Show up consistently, participate, and watch your potential soar.
Quick note: you may have to try out a few groups before you find the one that fits. That’s normal!
Go Get ‘Em
Doubt from others can be a really painful thing to deal with. It hurts when the things we care about are called into question and picked apart. Keep going in spite of the pain.
Use boundaries as needed, stay tethered to your why, and use safe community to keep going. The work you have to do is important! It’s okay to pause when you’re overwhelmed with doubt but don’t let it totally derail you.
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