Believe it or not, your confidence is dependent on community.
We were created to thrive in community. It only makes sense that confidence is hard to sustain when we aren’t connected to life giving community.
If you find yourself feeling lonely, unsupported, or eager for deeper connection this post is for you. Building deep friendships, investing in the right coaches and mentors, and getting plugged into life giving groups will make all the difference in your confidence.
Building Friendship Community
The first source of community you will want to focus on building is deep friendships. We all need relationships with our peers. Your friendships don’t have to be bound by age but it certainly helps to have a few friends on your roster that can relate to your age, stage, and life experience.
Start by creating a list of about 3-5 people you would consider friends. If you can’t think of 3-5 people don’t worry, the next section will help! Reflect on the depth of your friendships with the names on your list.
Do you wish to go deeper with these friends?
Has your friendship gone as deep as it’s ever going to go?
If you’re finding that your current friendships don’t foster a lot of depth and meaningful connection it might be time to initiate a deeper connection or start establishing some new friendships. Start the process of deepening your current friendship or creating new friendships with friend dating.
Note: Don’t cast your old friends off! There is a time and place for light hearted, fun connection.
Friend Date
Don’t panic, friend dating isn’t as crazy as it sounds. And yes, this exercise is purely platonic.
Friend dating is kind of like romantic dating in the sense that you’re going to need to pursue a few individuals and meet with them regularly for coffee or a meal. Stick with me, introverts.
Start by brainstorming a few acquaintances or colleagues that might be friendship material. Ask these people out to coffee or lunch. Get together with them at least 3 times. By your third meeting determine whether or not these people are candidates for deeper friendship.
Quick tips to determine if someone is deep friendship material:
- They reciprocate conversation – They talk about themselves generously but also generously listen when you are speaking. In other words, the conversation should be balanced.
- Genuinely show interest in what’s going on in your life
- Share at least a few interests and values (this one isn’t a requirement but it helps!)
Don’t force it. If you find that you and your “date” don’t get along well there is no need to continue pursuing. But promise me you’ll give them at least 3 chances.
Keep trying until you’ve identified at least 3 people who have potential to be on your roster of close friends. Your first 3 meetings don’t have to be deep, vulnerable weeping sessions where you bare your soles to one another. You’re simply gauging whether or not this person has the potential to go deep with you.
Grab your list of acquaintances and colleagues and start reaching out!
Fostering Deeper Friendships
Friend dating might not be for you if you already have a solid friend group. If you desire to create deeper connections with the friends you already have, your task isn’t as extensive as friend dating but it will take some work. Instead of starting from the ground up you will take your list of 3-5 friends that you brainstormed a moment ago and start initiating deeper connections.
The goal here is to identify 2-3 friends you currently have that have the potential to go deeper. Not everyone in your current friend circle will have the capacity or maturity to co-create a deeper friendship. For those friends that do, initiate a conversation that clearly communicates your desire for deeper friendship, intentions, and expectations.
Communicate your desires
Clearly lay out what you want out of the friendship. Let your friend know that you desire to connect on a deeper level.
After you’ve communicated your desires, ask your friend if they are up for that. Be open to their honest feedback. It’s natural for some friends to get on board with your vision and for others to decline your invitation to go deeper.
Both responses are valuable. Of course, we need deep, meaningful friendships to grow our character and confidence. But we also need casual, light hearted friendships that pour joy and humor into our lives.
After you’ve confirmed with a few friends that they are ready to go deeper move on to laying your intentions.
Side note: If none of your friends respond positively to your communicated desire for deeper friendship it might be time to start friend dating. Deep, life-giving friendships are possible for you. You might just need to start from scratch.
Lay out your intentions
For your friends that respond positively to taking the friendship deeper, lay out your intentions.
Consider the intentions below:
- How often do you intend to get together?
- How often do you intend to have a deep, meaningful connection with this friend? Remember, not all of your meetings need to be deep, soul searching conversations.
- How will you communicate if your expectations aren’t being met?
Your intentions can and should be flexible. If you and your friend disagree on frequency of meetings or how often your conversations should be deep co-create a plan that works for both of you.
Explain expectations
You’ve expressed your desires and intentions, don’t forget expectations. Expectations are only fair when they are spoken (or written) and agreed upon. Clearly communicate expectations for the following criteria:
- Form of communication – Do you prefer to text, call, email or meet face to face when you need some support?
- Scheduling meetings – Are standing meetings your style or will you schedule meetings as needed?
- Who will initiate meetings – Will you take the lead or do you hope for balance.
Only establish as many expectations as seems reasonable. Consider keeping up your agreed upon arrangements for 6-12 months. Re-evaluate after the 6-12 month time period and make sure that the friendship is serving both of you.
Way to go! You’ve got some deep, confidence boosting friendships in the works. Communicate to friend dating or fostering deeper friendships however long it takes. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will friendship worth having.
As you build your network of deep friendships, consider seeking out the confidence boosting community that can be found in mentors and coaches.
Investing in a Community of Mentors & Coaches
Friendships are a reciprocal relationship that thrive on give and take. Unlike friendships the relationships you forge with mentors and coaches will largely be take on your part. And that’s a good thing!
Your confidence will soar when you have the right people pouring into you. Do some research and identify a few coaches you might be interested in working with or people you already know that would make a great mentor.
Tips for finding coaches and mentors:
Mentors
A mentor is someone who pours into you and offers advice that will help you get ahead. Take note below of what to look for in a mentor.
- Likely someone you already know and look up to
- Someone you aspire to be like. You want to know how they’ve achieved greatness in a category that you desire to grow in (i.e. business, faith, marriage, etc.)
- Has time and capacity to pour into you
- Freely shares their wisdom and insights
Create a list of potential mentors in your community. Consider reaching out to a few of the names and your list and offering to take them out for lunch or coffee. If you feel a connection after your lunch or coffee date ask them if they would be interested in mentoring you.
Coaches
Unlike mentors, a coach will help you draw out strengths and skills that are already inside of you rather than imparting their own wisdom. Typically, a coach will ask you a series of questions in regard to an area of life that you want to work on and help you craft goals to achieve growth in that area.
You can hire a generalist or research coaches that specialize in a particular area that you’re interested in working on (fitness, finances, spirituality, etc.). Here’s how to find a coach that’s a good fit for you.
- Research – Investing in a coach is a big deal. Spend time researching coaches that meet your needs.
- Connection – Book a discovery call with a few coaches that piqued your interest in the research phase. Pay attention to how well you connect with the coaches you hop on a call with. It’s important to like the coach you hire!
- Qualifications/Experience – Consider the level of experience/qualifications a coach has before making a hire.
Wondering whether you need a coach or mentor? Jack H.M. Wong does a great job of explaining the difference between the two here.
Wondering if it’s the right time to hire a coach? Read more here.
Joining Community Groups
Close friendships, coaches, and mentors are a great way to build community that boosts your confidence. Your friends, coaches, and mentors can pour into you on an individual level but there’s something so special about support from a group.
The dynamic of a group can help you build confidence in a way that other forms of community can’t. You can find groups online, at church, and through your work or school. Take some time to research group opportunities that you can plug into.
What to look for in groups:
- Shared values/interest – Research groups that share your values and interests. Remember, the goal here is to create connections that will pour into you and help you build your confidence.
- Small and intimate – You don’t want to get lost in the crowd. Typically, groups of 3-12 members are an ideal number. You can join groups as big or small as you like but the smaller the group, the deeper your connection will be.
Don’t be afraid to try out a few groups. You don’t need to pack your calendar full of activities but it’s a good idea to join a group or two that help you grow as a person. Your confidence will bloom in the company of individuals who have a shared goal and purpose.
Review
As you grow your community, take time to review. Every 3-4 months review the friendships, coaching/mentor relationships, and groups you’re investing in. Ask yourself: Are these sources of community valuable to me?
Your community should build your confidence, help you grow as a person, and fill you up.
Conflict and challenging situations arise in all forms of community. Getting through things like conflict can strengthen a friendship and refine your character but conflict and challenge should not be constants in your community. Consistent conflict and relational challenges will erode your confidence and potential impact other sources of community.
Friend Break Ups
If you find that any source of your community is consistently caught up in conflict or other strains on the relationship(s) it may be time to initiate a break up.
Before breaking off a friendship, pray about it. Ask the Lord for wisdom, guidance, and grace. Ultimately, if you do feel compelled to break off the friendship, be kind, direct, and merciful. No ghosting here.
Tips to break off a friendship well:
- Be direct – To the best of your ability, avoid passive language. You can express your concerns with the friendship without promising a reunion down the road.
- Be kind – As you broach the subject of “breaking up” remember to be kind and gentle. This will likely be painful for the other person. Your kindness will soften the blow. Any form of unkindness will only add insult to injury.
- Exercise good boundaries – If the conversation gets out of hand exercise good boundaries by removing yourself from the situation. Exercise boundaries further by requesting to set up a meeting at a time and location that works for you.
- Use “I” statements – Make this about you and what you need by using statements that start with “I”, such as “I feel ___”, or “I need ____”. Avoid proverbial finger pointing by overusing “You” statements.
Use caution when breaking off a friendship. You’re treading in delicate territory so remember to advocate for yourself while maintaining kindness, mercy, and grace.
Go Build!
Building community takes work but it’s so worth it. As you deepen friendships, grow under the guidance of coaches and mentors, and join groups your confidence will soar! Commit to doing the hard work of building your confidence boosting community.
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